Bicycle in the trees

This article was originally published in the Lynn Haven Ledger as a human interest story in June, 2018.

The leaves, fluttering in the now cooling breeze with the sun dappling their faces, saw it there once again. But that was not unusual. It showed up there most days for a few minutes. The season changed and the rains started and the leaves, now old and heavy with water, let go of their branches and pirouetted to the ground, adding to the ever increasing layer of nature’s detritus on the woodsy floor, soggy and soft, muffling all sound except for the wind.

The next summer came and still it stood there. The trees didn’t mind. The squirrels and lizards, rabbits and neighborhood cats believing themselves to be dangerous predators, crawled, jumped, and climbed around, over, and through as it stood there patiently waiting for someone to return.

As years passed, the trees grew ever taller and greater in girth like older men who love to eat and hate to exercise. As each new season’s leaves looked on, the tree eventually absorbed much of the abandoned and forgotten bicycle now rusted through. Almost like the trees in Fangorn Forest that sucked the unsuspecting Hobbits inside their trunks to devour them whole. But there was no wizard in Lynn Haven to deliver the bicycle.

It was Wes’ bike. Back in 1986, Jeremy’s parents had built their house on a lot they’d recently purchased, and, as parents are wont to do, also put up a fence to not only keep neighborhood kids from using their backyard as a thoroughfare but to corral Jeremy’s younger brother who loved to wander.   They included a gate so Jeremy’s good friend Wes could meet him in the morning and together they’d ride their bikes to school.   The boys were both in 5th grade at the Lynn Haven Elementary school when they started journeying together.

The small copse of trees bordered the two properties, lending some privacy to each family’s backyard. The boys would meet at the fence in the mornings before school and, together, they would ride their bikes there and back again. Jeremy and Wes were good friends and continued their daily routine until they graduated to high school where it was too far to ride their bikes.

Life moved on for the boys who, 32 years later, have careers and friends and don’t remember much anymore about those daily rides to school. Or the whereabouts of Wes’ long forgotten bicycle.

I tried to interview the bicycle, but it was not in a mood for conversation. I’d love to hear its perspective on what it heard and observed as days turned to months and then years to decades.

I remember about five years ago traveling through Kentucky on Highway 31. We came to a sign that said “Prehistoric Indian Artifacts”, and I remember laughing out loud at such a silly attempt at marketing. Wes’ bicycle isn’t prehistoric, or buried treasure like you might dive for in Panama City Beach, and it doesn’t have any monetary value.

But it’s a pretty interesting thing to see. Two trees, instead of pushing a foreign object out of their way, instead patiently grow around it until the bicycle becomes an integral part of the landscape. It’s hard to see in the shade of the trees.

There’s certainly a life lesson here.

I have Facebook friends from Michigan where I grew up. They regularly complain about the weather, especially in the long and seemingly unending winters. I tell them, “pack up your crap and move down here”. But they always have an excuse. They’re kind of like that bicycle letting time and lack of ambition keep them stuck in a place they don’t really want to be, but the effort to change is greater than their dissatisfaction.

I think Wes’ bicycle would have preferred to have been kept inside a garage out of the elements and over time passed down to the next generation of adventurous children wanting a quicker way to get to where they wanted to go.

But, like I said, the bicycle refused to comment, so I can only speculate.

Paradise and healing

The intensely bright sunshine, glancing off the sparkling emerald green water, made it almost impossible to see. The day was quite hot and humid, but the breeze fingering my hair was refreshing, even though I continued to sweat. I took a deep, shaky breath, closed my eyes, and tilted my face to the sky. The glare from the ever ruffling surf didn’t matter. I was deep inside my own head working on something, seeing only what was going on in my mind’s eye anyway. I do this a lot. I have a hard time staying out of my head, actually.

I’ve written stories and had conversations in my head all my life. Sometimes it’s a little difficult to determine when I’m with someone if I actually had that conversation with them or if it was one of my flights of fancy. I’ve rewritten the endings to books and movies countless times. I’ve had so much practice over the years I can be so deep inside my thoughts I won’t be aware of anything going on around me.

I’ve recently relocated from Michigan. I grew up there never liking the winters because of the cold, and not liking the summers much because of my hay fever as a child. Although I did have the unparalleled opportunity of living in Arizona for a few years a short while back. My last winter in Michigan seemed so long and brutal I was not-so-secretly hoping to be somewhere warm for the next season. And here I am. I think God got tired of my whining and said, ok ok – I’ll let you go to Florida.

He’s actually pretty good at putting up with my whiny attitude. He’s very patient with me while I learn to act like a grown-up.

Digging my pink painted toes deep into the warm sand, I experience once again that familiar twinge in the pit of my stomach. The sadness that won’t let me be. I can see his beloved face. I can feel him. His scent surrounds me, and the emptiness he left behind cripples me. How safe I had believed myself to be in his arms. I foolishly thought it would last forever. I shake my head, trying to dislodge the mental picture, but it insists on returning, along with the accompanying sorrow. And now here I sit on this beautiful beach of chamois-soft white sand with my chin on my knees and my arms around my legs and tears once more sliding down my cheeks, as I rock back and forth unable to contain my pain. Crying shamelessly on a beach most people refer to as Paradise. This grieving has to end sometime. It just has to. The empty aching follows me everywhere I go, and there are days I want to lie down and die just to make the hurting finally stop.

But I can’t lie down and die, because there is still work to be done. My job here isn’t finished yet.

“Suck it up, sweetie.” I speak these words out loud. “There’s lots of people hurting much more than you, so get over yourself and find someone to encourage.”

At that last voiced admonition, I’m on my feet and dusting myself off. I pick up my discarded flip flops, give them a good shake, and make my way back to my car, sinking a little into the sand with each footstep, leaving a visible trail of where I’ve been and where I’m going. I only live a mile or so from the beach, so it’s a short drive.

I look in my car’s rearview mirror, taking stock of my appearance, dry my eyes, now puffy and red from my weeping, put my sunglasses on, then give my head a good shake and force a smile at my reflection. Just breathe. One last nod of my head, and I’m heading back to my new home.

Those gentle and mesmerizing sounds of the emerald water swooshing in and then retreating, over and over, is always soothing to my spirit, and the constant low roaring helps to give me that feeling of solitude I so long for, so I come to the beach to sit for a while as often as I can. Or I walk slowly along the water’s edge with the white foam tickling my feet letting the sounds and the smells and the gently sinking sun whisper peace to my soul. I can feel myself healing down deep where it matters.

Back in Michigan my stress level had reached its limit and I hit the wall – physically and emotionally. I couldn’t eat for days and then didn’t want to eat. No desire. No cravings. At least for food. My desire and cravings were for him.

Love has a scent. It is rain in the air. It is wildflowers in the field. It is
life pushing through the dirt.

The crack and pungent burning of a close lightning strike.

A screaming gale-force wind hurtling freshly broken branches into
the maelstrom.

It is beautiful and gentle and rough by degrees with passion and wanting
and satisfying.

A complete relinquishing and total possession mutually given, mutually
accepted.

My happily ever after, so far, isn’t so happy or ever after. And my memories in turn comfort and haunt me all at the same time until I fear I will go mad.

However time, as the old saying goes, heals all wounds. And every day, as I spend time focusing on the good, slowly releasing the bad, I can feel myself growing stronger. I’ve been smiling more and crying less. I count that as progress.

Learning the lessons I need to learn and moving forward in anticipation of my next adventure.

And my happily ever after? Well, I don’t give up on dreams that easily.

God always seems to have something up His sleeve.

The squeaky snow and a boat

I originally penned this in January of 2014 when depression had come to hang around for awhile.

The squeaky snow, now drifted across the sidewalk, made my trek to the post office a bit more labor intensive than usual. Underneath the new snow, the ice-crusted layer broke with each step, further slowing my progress. It was another cold and gray January in Michigan.

The words to that classic Christmas carol – Good King Wenceslas – kept going through my head. Maybe it’s because I had just endured the worst Christmas in my memory.

Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Stephen
Where the snow lay round about
Deep and crisp and even.

Brightly shone the moon that night
Though the frost was cruel
When a poor man came in sight
Gathering winter fuel.

It wasn’t night, but it was pretty darn cold. I felt like that poor man, looking for anything to bring me a small measure of comfort. I refuse to drive my car a half mile to the post office, so come hell or high water, I was walking.

I had a couple of letters to mail. One to the Governor to plead my son’s case. And another to my son, attempting to deliver love and encouragement.

I’ve felt like a failure at both lately. Discouragement loves to reach out with its dark foggy fingers when you least expect it. Sucking your breath away, and replacing it with a stone – making it hard to breathe. Feeling yourself to be absolutely without resources and hope make each morning unwelcome.

I remember when I lived in Arizona – how I loved to be awakened by the sun! I placed my bed just so, and my blinds at the proper level for privacy, but still allowing the sunshine to kiss my face in the morning. I would get up early just to see the sun rise triumphantly over the mountains. I anticipated almost to bursting each morning as it came. How I loved it there.

Life takes us and abuses us and then throws us into the gutter sometimes.

Gutters are unpleasant places. Cold and wet and filthy with mud and dirt and the detritus of others. When it’s hard to breathe, though, we may just lay there for a while, trying to get our strength back. Or so we tell ourselves. We can become comfortable in our uncomfortableness.

When our hearts have become filled to the brim with hurt and disappointment and despair, we have no room left for light and love and laughter.

We sit in our own filth of depression and weep. We know we need to pick ourselves up and put a smile on our face. We know we need to let go of what we cannot fix. We know these things.

But grief is a hard taskmaster. Its chains are like hardened steel and all we feel is the pain they inflict whenever we move. So we try not to move. But they continue to squeeze our filled up hearts, as if an unseen tormentor was at work, and as the hurt and disappointment and despair spill over, a never-ending well of more keeps seeping in and we don’t know how to stop that well up.

So we stay where we are, restless in our pain, wondering how all the people passing us by don’t see us. How they can continue on their way as if we aren’t there. Our despair makes us mute. And our grief robs us of desire.

I have this mental picture in my head. It’s a picture of a small vessel being tossed around on a rough sea. The howling wind and the driving rain are relentless. My tiny boat is slowly filling with water and beginning to break apart. Terror is as palpable as the sting of the raindrops on my face. And Jesus is sleeping on a pillow.

And I go to him and shake him over and over begging him to wake up and help me. But he continues to sleep.

And then I hear some faint words being thrown about on the wind, and they come from Job long ago – “Though he slay me, yet will I trust him.”

And so here I sit in my proverbial ash heap, proverbially scraping my open sores with pieces of broken pottery as my tears mix with the rain, waiting for Jesus to hear me crying out to him to wake up.

*****

When our days and nights are dark and terrifying, and when it feels like nothing will ever change for the better, hang on because it will. Despair eventually runs its course and the sharp edges of grief soften.

Take courage, for the storm will abate, the sun will shine, and Jesus, through everything, will protect you from the worst of it while you wait. Your strength will grow and hope will once again spring forth and life will be good.

Trust me. I know. Life will always be difficult, because this is our training ground. Jesus hears us even when our hearts betray us by believing he is oblivious to our struggles. You have protection you can’t see and help outside the storm swirling around you working on your behalf.

It’s going to be alright. Hold fast to what you have.