I wrote this way back in 2010 when I was exiting a bad relationship. It always amazes me now when I read these old posts from another life, for that is what it is to me now. God has changed me and my circumstances so much in eight short years, that my past abusive relationships truly feel like a life-time ago.
Why do I get tired of giving in, backing down? Isn’t that what love is?
Maybe I just don’t know how to really love someone else, or, maybe I’m not very lovable and it’s my fault.
Yes, that must be it. I’m not enough – kind enough, or smart enough, or giving enough to warrant his respect.
Respect – is that what I really desire? Do I deserve respect, or do I deserve just exactly what I’ve been getting. I mean, anyone who knows me knows that I’m far from perfect. I mean I don’t always keep the house clean enough, and I forget to fold the clothes, and I fail to get a bill paid on time, sometimes. I’m really a lot of work for him, at least that’s what he tells me.
I guess that means I deserve to be yelled at? I deserve to be called names, and told I’m worthless, right?
I’m pretty used to the way it hurts. My heart is very acquainted with that particular pain. That’s just life, you know? If I were really smart, and really beautiful, and a better person, then I’m sure he wouldn’t need to say those mean things.
He’s just trying to help, right? He wants me to be better than I am. He knows me and he says he loves me. So, that should make it alright for him to do anything he wants. At least, that’s what he tells me.
I don’t know where I’d go if I left – I don’t think my family would want me back. They must see the bad things about me that he sees too. So, I guess it’s best to stay where I am and try really, really hard to make him happy.
Maybe someday he’ll be happy with me, and then I can be happy too.
———-
One sad day there was a young woman who found herself lost in the woods. She wandered around, stumbling over roots and stones, scratching her legs and bruising her feet. She cried out in terror over and over again for someone to come and help her, but no one answered. No one came.
She eventually found what looked like a path of sorts, so she carefully followed it, and after a long while came out of the woods into a beautiful meadow covered with golden flowers that smelled sweeter than anything she had ever smelled before. The young woman had never seen a field so full to overflowing with such beauty. It almost blinded her.
She should have been afraid, because she didn’t know where she was, but she wasn’t afraid at all. She listened for a while to the bees and the crickets, felt the warm, soft breeze caress her face, and watched the sun as it moved across the cloudless blue sky touching everything with life.
While she was standing there in that peaceful place, she thought she heard a still, quiet voice on the wind. She strained her ears to hear it more clearly, and suddenly heard a voice that sounded strong, yet gentle whisper oh, so softly, that he was watching over her.
A sob caught in her throat, and as she fell to her knees, that comforting voice began to sing a song to her of how much she was loved, and how beautiful he saw her, and how she was one of his most cherished creations. As the hot tears streamed silently down her face, the song came to an end on a fading note of hope.
As a parting gift, the wind softly stroked her face as if with a caressing finger.
When she opened her eyes, she was no longer in the meadow, or the woods. She was in her own home, surrounded by her own things. She turned around and looked at herself in the mirror. For the first time in many years, she saw herself just the way her Creator saw her.
Beautiful and loved and cherished.
She was never the same again. From that day forward, she began to grow into the beloved treasure that she truly was and now knew herself to be.
